Light and Love

There is something rejuvenating and therapeutic about going through a divorce. At least it was for me. While my ex-husband wanted to divorce immediately in 2014, I really wanted to wait 2 more years until the kids were out of the house. He said he couldn't wait that long. As he stated his position , I remember a strong voice in my head saying from God above, "Don't fight this. It will happen now. Do it now." As soon as we were divorced, my life starting coming together in so many ways. Sure, the kids were trying to grapple with the change, but I was finally free and it was feeling good.

I remember very clearly the need to clean and make things 'new' again. It was like trying to clean out death. When a person dies in the home, death lingers. It's color, weight, smell, and aura permeates everything and oozes into other rooms, sometimes overtaking the whole house - depending upon how long death has been visiting. It's not always a blackness - like a shadow - the color of death is different depending on the spirit. After the earthly body is removed, it takes a very long time for the residue of death to dissipate which is why we find ourselves with a strong need to clean the room and the rest of the house in its entirety. No one tells us to do it. Our souls know it must be done. Death has to be cleaned away in order for light and life to fill back into the space.

While I was legally divorced, reclaiming my life required more of me. It wasn't about being in control. I've always been the CEO of the house and the kids. After all, I managed to live more than half my life with someone who preyed upon my inherent ability to organize, multi-task, manage, and plan. In our dysfunctional marriage, I spent decades being an enabler and it was clearly disguised as being the 'glue holding everyone together'. Now that I was single and free, this journey was to be about me. Finally - me. To stop putting everyone else's needs out in front to my own detriment, to stop feeling guilty for taking time for me, to stop making excuses and feeling the need to justify myself when I needed to make a 'me' decision. It would begin with cleaning out the death of my marriage and the end of my old life.

Everything got cleaned, the walls, floors, closets, crawl spaces, the garage (and yes, Stephanie, even my lingerie drawer!), you name it - I cleaned it. It was cathartic. While I had an inflated mortgage payment, a lot of financial responsibilities, and an ex who was not taking care of his part of the divorce settlement agreement as legally required, I felt the need to splurge a hundred dollars to have someone to clean the windows of the house! It seemed odd - yet important- at the same time. My financially practical side of me battled with my spiritual side on whether or not I should incur this expense. It's been almost 15 years since they were cleaned but a hundred dollars was a lot of money! Early one morning, as I lay in bed letting the rising sun gently warm my face and brighten my room, my mother's voice came into my head. She said, "Your house needs light to help clear out the darkness that has been in this house for so long. You need to clean the windows to let as much light in as possible." She was right.

Cleaning out death and filling my house with light and love has been the best, life-changing decision I've made in a long time. The energy in the house feels lighter and more loving. There is a peacefulness that is comforting. My friends and their children even say they prefer to come to our house. Even thought it's not as big or sprawling as others' homes, they feel good vibes and energy here. I am conscientious of all energy brought into my home. I take care of cleaning out the bad energy when they leave and work hard to ensure my home is a positive, truthful, loving, light-filled home.

I cannot adequately articulate how one's life will radically change when life is led with positivity, honesty, and selflessness. It's beautiful and better than one can imagine. I am truly blessed and grateful.

First Stop: India

For as long as I could remember, there was always two Deborah's. There was the Deborah who took care of everyone - partners, children, friends, work teams, and all the 'stuff' that had to get done. She  put everyone else's needs ahead of her own. This Deborah took on more than her fair share - to the point of it not always being healthy for anyone. To classify it properly, this Deborah was an enabler - disguised as a 'do-er'. She was the gal whose kept her head down, worked hard and long, and did what it took to get it done - herself. This Deborah is more than resilient. She is stronger than strong and has more tenacity than ten women combined. It might sound impressive, but it's not. It is not always a good trait. Then there is the other Deborah. This other Deborah is a woman who has passion, is creative, and childlike with wonder, exploring anything she wants, when she wants, and how she wants. Who likes to be challenged to go to the fringes of her comfort zone and come out the other side with exhilaration, joy and laughter. She is confident and able. She is motivated and energized when engaging with individuals who are intelligent, passionate, and self-directed life-long learners. She becomes a better version of herself with each lesson. This Deborah deeply feels and she can actually hear the Universe directing her. She heeds its divine wisdom, trusting the journey and revels in the experience. She is grateful and humble. She seeks purity and is guided by compassion.

Between the two Deborah's, the first one was always out front in the lead. The other was waiting on the inside for her turn. Sometimes she'd be let out to play. Those days were grand! As the years went by, I often wondered if she'd ever be allowed to be in the front, taking the lead.

Back in 2001, the year produced a particularly difficult time on many fronts. Between my failing marriage and the terrorist attacks, it became an unsettling time. It was also a wake up call. No matter how faithful, committed, and loyal you are, how much you sacrifice to do the right thing, others will not always live with the same ideals and beliefs. They will make different and detrimental choices and you have no say in it. So, this year was the beginning of learning that putting yourself last, to be too selfless was a recipe for regret. It was the year I adopted two phrases - "It's my turn" and "Just do it".

Over the next thirteen years, I began to learn how to 'just do it' because 'it's my turn'. While I was instructed to not go to earn my undergrad degree while the resources were used to invest in my spouse's master's degree, I finally no longer asked for permission. I just did it because it was my turn. It was empowering. This was one of many baby steps I took and the journey would take another thirteen years and more lessons to be learned.

To kick-start my new life post divorce, I decided to take a trip to India with some close friends. I just knew that India would allow me to look within and begin to balance the two Deborah's.

During the trip, I meditated, reflected and gave control to God and my guides. I listened to my heart and began to learn how to interpret my guides' language and direction. The Universe gave me signs to show me how I was doing on my journey - allowing the two Deborah's to live in a more harmonious balance. Finally, it was my turn. My chance to not only be a happier person, but to be a better mother, role-model, and friend.

This is why this blog is called, It's My Turn. Everyone has a chance to live a balanced, more harmonious life. It begins with believing and knowing you are in charge of your life. It happens when you act in charge and 'just do it'. Take charge now because it's your turn and you deserve a more harmonious, happier life.

Chapter One: Day of Epiphany

I'll start here. With this picture. This picture was taken on January 6, 2015. One month and 6 days after my divorce became final and the day my ex-husband finally moved out of the house. Coincidentally, this is also the day, 46 years prior, as an infant of almost six weeks old, I was placed with amazing parents who would adopt me and raise me in a loving home. It's also the day of Epiphany. So, this date represents a day when life should be honored, cherished, and celebrated. We are given the job to live our life fully, deeply and with purpose. I will always remember this day. As I helped my ex pack the U-Haul trailer with everything he wanted to take with him to his new home to start his own life, all I could think about was finally beginning to live MY life on MY terms. I couldn't wait!

It's now a year and four months later and I'm finally putting this blog together. Maybe it will serve as 'notes' for a book I am to put together to help other women and men as they move through transition in their own lives. Perhaps its purpose is to be a diary of sorts for me to look back and be reminded of how much I've overcome and grown and the doubts or concerns I have at the moment will suddenly diminish to a digestible bite-size portion. For whatever reason I am being called to put this together, I'm sure its purpose will reveal itself in time. In the meantime, I'll just put this here for now and we'll see where it goes!